Get Happier: “Say Five Nice Things” (No, Really, Do It Now)
People who come over to my house sometimes laugh at the little altar by the window. There’s a Buddha that my friend Ethan got me in India. A native Canadian statue that represents abiding love. There’s an antique gold-leaf painting of Mary and a rosary I got at the Vatican. There’s also a wooden heart that my friend Erika got me in Jerusalem, a beautiful dancing Shiva, some Lotus Wei mists and seashells I don’t remember collecting. Clearly, I take a sort of kitchen-sink approach to happiness and spiritual wellbeing. Or, as my boyfriend likes to joke: “You’re covering all your bases.”
But if we’re picking favorites, my most prized item is probably a bamboo woodcut by the artist Sighn that reads “It’s OK.” It was made, cheekily, in a limited edition of 1 million, and it makes me smile every time I look at it. I’ve had it since 2008.
Why am I talking about all this? Because I’ve decided to do my best to actively cultivate more joy, in a day-to-day kind of way. Some tough stuff has happened lately, and as far as I’m concerned “It’s OK” is a very good place to start.
My older brother—a loving father, husband and prankster known for hacking into people’s Facebook accounts and posting ridiculous status messages on their wall—passed away about a month ago, at the age of 34. This is a very difficult thing, and there isn’t much more I’d like to say about that. But if you’d asked me a year ago how it would feel to have people say things like “He would want you to be happy now” I think I’d have said “That sort of makes me want to punch you now.” And yet a couple of people I trust deeply have said as much to me in the last few weeks, and every time I hear it, I get goosebumps. When people die, you start looking for lessons. Of the two I’ve found so far, there’s one I want to share: Experience joy, even, or especially, when things suck. He would want me to feel joyful now. And I want to feel joyful, too.
So on the days when I’m not playing a game of emotional Chutes and Ladders, that’s what I intend to do.
That’s why we’re starting a new series. Regular readers know by now that we’re not just a beauty site, even though we are, totally, a beauty site. We cover food and meditation and sleep and sexy hormones and other weird things because we take a whole-person approach to feeling (and, yes, looking) our best.
So I’d like to start you all off with my favorite new game. I “invented” it as a way to hasten making up with someone after a little spat, and it’s called Say Five Nice Things. Now I do this all the time. I even do it when I’m on the train and someone bumps me. (“Quick! Say five nice things about that awful stranger who just plowed into you!”) Every time I do it, my mood shifts.
Here are three reasons to play Say Five Nice Things:
1. Everyone loves compliments. That’s why it’s fun to do with a buddy. It could be as simple as “Your sunglasses fit your face really well” or as meaningful as “You always put your arm around me at the exact right moment.” The more specific and sincere the better, I think. But really, probably anything will do. As long as it’s nice, in whatever way you define it, it will probably work.
2. It’s like gratitude, except easier. Gratitude is great. We’re big fans of these kinds of exercises, but it can feel a little hokey and it’s a lot of pressure. Sure you could say “I am grateful for the fact that this martini is delicious” but that might feel a little…thin. This game is much more low-pressure. It’s just noticing five things that you like, and then saying them out loud, or out loud in your head.
3. It changes your focus. I’m not a “look on the sunny side” kind of person—I find unrealistic optimism creepy at best. But I do try, not always with great success, to resist the undertow of hardship. That’s why I say nice things about jerks on the train. It completely diverts my attention from bad things and onto good. Try it, maybe. I find it works.
Now, we’d love YOU to list five nice things in the comments about literally anything in the entire world. We’d also encourage you to try it with a friend or lover. They might look at you like you have three eyes (you do!*), but I bet they’ll like it, too.
* LOL, sort of.
Once again, my best friend has totally inspired me. :)
I’m so sorry you’ve lost someone you love. I lost my mom last year, and it’s been a struggle. When people ask me how I’ve dealt and not fallen to pieces my response is, “my mom would be so sad to see me heartbroken.” Plus, it’d make it harder on those who are still here and need my love and support as much as I need their’s. Dealing with pain, I’ve learned to take a breather when I get annoyed with everyday things and people and remind myself that you never know what’s going on in other people’s lives. Smiling, holding doors, saying excuse me…I’d never want to be rude to someone if their day was already crappy. Maybe that lady at the grocery store was being a total B because her dog just died, you never know.
So my 5 random nice things are:
1. Doing kind things for strangers makes me feel like I’m collecting karma points and I like it
2. My cat is curled up in a ball next to me and she’s majorly precious
3. It’s lilac season
4. My sister sends me funny random text messages that make me laugh out loud regularly
5. There’s a caramel covered donut in my fridge and I’m gonna eat it
First, hugs.
Second, I love this. So. Much.
(1) My incredible girlfriend got me plants for the new Soapwalla space. Everytime I look at them, I smile.
(2) Gluten free brownies.
(3) YOU GUYS.
(4) I had a Milkbar soy latte this morning that was the bestest thinkg I’ve tasted in a long time.
(5) An employee at my local coop has set aside some goodies for me. I get to pick them up tomorrow.
I need this right now! I am a cancer patient and almost one year survivor, and my 10-year survivor friend was just diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in her bones (and skull) and I am scared. But. Scared doesn’t help. So. I need happy.
So 5 nice things:
1. The rain last night washed the bird poo off my windshield.
2. I love my desk at work.
3. My boss looks really nice in her suit today.
4. The radishes I grew from seed are starting to look so plump and precious!
5. My friend is tough as nails and is going to kick her cancer’s butt!
sending you love, Siobhan!
1. My students are inspiring, brilliant, awesome.
2. The Stephanie Miller radio show rules.
3. Wei of Chocolate has brightened my day (and the day of several friends I shared with).
4. My iPhone takes fantastic pictures.
5. I’m appreciating beautiful, generous mother Earth today
Siobhan, from just reading your posts you always seem so kind and full of love and good things. I love this idea. And reading everyone else’s 5 has helped lift my spirits tonight as I am a bit down.
Let’s see if I can come up with a few.
1. The blueberries are ready at our local farm, and that is my favorite place.
2. Had fun with my sister today. We interviewed a butcher whose passion was inspiring.
3. Crossfit !
4. My fiance’ will be home tomorrow night for 2 days before leaving again (for a month this time. boo.)
5. I’m thankful that I have a home (even though I REALLY need to clean it!)
Siobhan,
Thank you for this post. I lost a very dear Uncle last week. I can’t imagine my grief coming anywhere close to the loss of a sibling, but your “emotional Chutes and Ladders” comment really struck a cord.
1. I can swear and have a few drinks with the excuse that it’s in honor of my Uncle, along with my entire family.
2. After nearly two years of absence I’ll get to see my sister who lives in Madagascar at the the end of May.
3. My coworkers gave me a care package full of candy for the road trip to the memorial.
4. I’m thankful I was able to be with my Uncle during his last days.
5. My birthday is in two weeks!
Siobhan,
I am sorry to hear about your brother. I knew him a little bit, as I grew up in Mo West and we had some friends in common. I can’t imagine how devastated you must be. You and your family are in my thoughts.
1. The freezing cold rain in Montreal is helping usher in springtime
2. My daughters had a dance party in the kitchen
3. I got to colour in a colouring book with my older daughter
4. Had a lovely visit with a good friend today
5. My cat is purring on the couch next to me
I lost my brother almost 3 years ago. I’m sorry for your loss. I just said 5 nice things to my mama cause she is feeling sad and lonely tonight (partially missing my brother).
1. you’re an awesome NP, clearly your patients love you and feel at ease with you
2. you give the best mama squeezes
3. you do a good job of listening to me when im stressed out OR happy
4. you are a nice friendly person and all my friends love you (including the classmates you havent even met yet)
5. you are VERY sassy but still generous to me
Siobhan,
Thanks you for sharing what must be a very difficult time for you. Loss of a sibling is unimaginable at this point in my life. My heart goes out to you. This is a fabulous post. You and Alexandra are truly inspiring. I have been trying to think of 5 things I love every morning on my drive it. I am trying to deal with a long commute on LA fwys.
1. My health. With so many friends going through cancer I feel blessed.
2. Yoga and really rockin teachers to share my practice.
3. Some very cool clients.
4. All the blooming flowers
5. Good friends
Hopefully all of these joyful vibrations you’ve instigated will help, Siobhan!
1. The lady next to me in yoga class had never tried yoga before, but she went for the full poses with such vigor that even I could feel it and it inspired me to push myself in my poses.
2. I have made the most of my new lactose-intolerance with a Daiya, ghee, and mushroom pita for lunch (who knew vegan “cheese” could be so awesome??)
3. The roses blooming behind the house
4. Skype date with my cousin, who doesn’t live in the US
5. This post!! It’s made me incredibly happy even though I will be stuck in the library for the next two weeks, and need all the happiness help I can get!
I love making lists, especially about nice things like this.
1. Morning coffee.
2. Brasilian papaya which has to be the best in the world AND is fantastic for you.
3. My amazing and inspiring friends who make me feel like I can do anything.
4. My new pair of purple and orange and blue flip flops- who knew you could spend hours admiring your feet?!
5. Discovering new cities.
thanks for this blog, it is amazing.
xx
You’re amazing, Siobhan!
1. I’m comming home today! I will get to see my boyfriend and family and have an awesome weekend.
2. I just got a juicer in the mail and I will be juicing my way to the divine :)
3. I am committed to making my dreams come true.
4. I will get a hair cut soon.
5. My boyfriend asked me out on the most amazing date for tonight. I can’t wait :)
Good bless you, Siobhan.
Here are five nice things of mince:
1. Sunny morning on the beach of the ocean
2. Warm ocean water and glass of juice
3. Bike riding through the country
4. Blooming garden and meadow
5. Crimson sunset with those, who you love and who love you
Siobhan, my heart goes out to you. My mother-in-law was diagnosed in February with glioblastoma multiforme, a nasty, aggressive brain tumor. It is not an easy journey for any of us. So, turning toward joy:
1. Watching our community support friends whose daughter was just diagnosed with lymphoma.
2. Seeing (and hearing!) the red-tailed hawk hatchlings on Cornell Lab of Ornithology’s live camera. I love nature.
3. When I wished my 8-year-old a good day before school this morning, he said, “You too, Mom.”
4. My amazing friends who have helped me take care of my kids and made my in-laws dinner.
5. My sassy 5-year-old who doesn’t let ANYONE push her around.
I love this too. I had a baby a year ago who was very colicky and there was nothing we could do to comfort her for months. To help stop focusing on the absolute sleep deprivation or desperation of an endlessly fussy baby, I would think of three positive things each night. It could be as simple as the joy of seeing my dog’s tail wagging. Or how the sunshine peeked through the window. After a week or so, it really helped shift my focus and soften things a bit, and enabled me to be a stronger, more caring mom. I am so sorry you have lost your brother so young. Life is not fair. And it totally sucks sometimes. But, you are right, there is joy to be found despite it all. Thank you for the reminder of how very important it is to seek that joy daily!
my five from today so far: having the day off to be home with my girl; the stillness of our apartment right now as she’s napping; watching her pull apart a leaf on our morning walk; my dog’s wagging tail (does it for me every time!); and the delicious rooibos tea i’m sipping while it’s still warm – a luxury around here.
I’m so sorry, Siobhan. I won’t go on and on, but… Hugs.
Here are my five things. I just want to say that I am feeling pretty great, having just come out of a very dark time in my life, so feeling grateful is coming quite easily.
1. My son is changing every day and I am loving his transition from a toddler into a funny, clever and incredibly fun little boy. Every day he brings so many smiles to my face.
2. My best friend, whom I miss terribly, is planning a visit and we are going to see a great play.
3. After suffering for ages from migraines and horrid side effects from migraine medication, I managed to find a way to treat myself naturally and holistically and am now much healthier and happier.
4. I am finally, FINALLY getting my sea legs in my new job and enjoying it more and more.
5. This was mentioned by another poster, but IT’S LILAC SEASON!!! They are my favorite flowers and the short season makes them that more precious and special. I get huge bunches at our farmers market and all week my house smells like a lilac garden.
I’m so sorry for you loss, Siobhan. And I feel such admiration for this post and the way you’re working through this. It is truly inspiring.
Five things:
1. I just got engaged to the best man I have ever known.
2. I spent last weekend with my adorable, precious niece and nephew.
3. I’m feeling, right this second, astounded by our capacity for love.
4. I discovered an author lately who is rocking my world.
5. I live in a place that I adore.
Thank you, thank you for this post.
My heart goes out to you, Siobhan. We had a similar year three years ago. Determinedly, at times dementedly hanging on to the good stuff got us through, is still getting us through.
1) Bossa Nova on Pandora Radio
2) Looking forward to going for a long-ish walk in Brooklyn to meet a friend for PIE!. The fact that at 39 weeks I CAN walk if not with vigor then at least with joy and ease (yay acupuncture)
3) The bittersweetness of spring homesickness.
4) Emails from oldest friends in my own country, two in one day.
5) All the flower petals from the trees covering the pavement like so much pink confetti, in the middle of hte city
Hmmm, well, look now, it’s actually hard to stop…can I also add the ginger-beet-carrot juice I’ll get later, looking in the mirror and actually thinking, for the first time in my life, that I genuinely am beautiful and awe-inspiring, full stop, no ifs and buts and “if onlys” (if not necessarily SEXY and that it’s really, really wonderful and light-bulb moment to notice that distinction?). My husband and step-son and the fact that they both steal my towels out of the bathroom every goddang day, which is both infuriating and ..oddly sweet.
This is amazing and the first time I’m reading this blog. Life was feeling especially bleak looking at all of the bored faces on the tube this morning (including my own) including having a perfect stranger yell at me for no reason because they were hating life. I was thinking “This is life? An hour commute each way underground in a crowded city with a restraining order against the sun?” and then I read this posts and all of these amazing lists of gratitude.
So I am making my list now and thankful for spring.
Thank you all for the perspective!
Thank you for sharing Siobhan. That’s incredibly honest of you but oh-so-helpful too. How many times do we let something like a seemingly-rude person ruin our whole day, and for what? Not realizing that there might be something going on that we don’t understand. I think if everyone practiced this, the world would be a very different place indeed….
1. I am (finally) in a very healthy place, financially, despite having just bought a house!
2. My dog listened very well on the leash this morning, I was a proud mama.
3. I’m in a play that I’m REALLY enjoying doing, despite having been sick and feeling like ass.
4. The rain last night almost entirely washed my car.
5. I picked up dinner on the run last night that has also provided my lunch today!
I’m so sorry Siobhan. That is heartbreaking. Lots of love to you.
1) Weather that makes me spend more time outdoors.
2) Living close enough to see my parents often.
3) Lemon-y tea.
4) Mermaid Avenue Vol. III
5) Anticipating the arrival of my first uber-fancy blender (a Blendtec is on its way!)
Endless love, Siobhan. Was just thinking about you this morning. I love your 5 nice things practice, and it’s incredible to read what everyone has written, makes me feel so happy and grateful for them and it all magnifies … it’s such an awesome feeling to rejoice in others happiness. Here are the five that pop into my mind right now.
1. The fact that I can take all 3 doggies to the office with me, and that they are so incredibly full of joy all day chasing a ball, that something so simple could make them happy all day is so cool. And watching them leap in the air and wag their tails and interact with everybody at the office is heart-warming.
2. Mother Nature – right now in the Arizona desert the Paloverde trees are blooming. They have smooth, pale green bark, and the flowers are a bright yellow desert equivalent to Japanese plum blossom. Such a cheer up and to be surrounded by such beauty …
3. I share office space with an organic chocolate company and they’re launching a new flavor. I got to try preliminary samples yesterday–pink himalayan salt with flower essences for effortlessness and feeling free … divine … so inspired by things being effortless.
4. My teachers & my meditation practice
5. My breath – being aware of that precious breath keeps me present and awake and more grounded when life gets crazy.
So glad to see you are looking on the positive side during such a difficult time.
1) Kaffe1668 – I glady pay 5 bucks for a cup of coffee because it makes me VERY happy
2) Coming into work tomorrow to do a test for 2 hours, the company will be providing wine and cheese and I get an extra day off for this
3) I have next Friday off
4) My birthday is May 26th
5) Probably going to Greece in September
1. I lost my best friend totally unexpectedly several years ago, but a few months before he died we were pondering what it would be like if he died, and he told me, “I’d want you to cry, but not too much.” That thought stuck with me, that I could and needed to be sad, but not too much.
2. I recount every week on my blog 5+ things that made me feel good, and it’s so fun to reflect on all the good in my life.
3. I also started happiness website http://www.DailyHap.com to encourage people to take one small step a day toward happiness.
4. No More Dirty Looks + the blog changed my life, as I have written about for several websites!
5. I am looking forward to a weekend getaway with my college roomie this weekend!
I have an autoimmune disease that reminds me every day that it is present in my body. Every day I am thankful for my life, my husband, my family, the sunshine, and iced tea.
Just a comment that most religions incorporate gratitude, and positive psychology and CBT also incorporate gratitude and positive self-talk. To say that you invented this idea is a bit of a stretch:)
These comments are so amazing! I have read them all more than once and hope they keep coming. I love knowing what makes other people happy, and love that there’s so much overlap. I’m going to say five nice things now too, since I didnt in my post:
1. I forgot to wear a jacket today even though it;s chilly but find the air feels really invigorating
2. The veggie pho I just ate for lunch was a revelation.
3. I love cooking for people and I’m excited that tonight I get to make snacks for a birthday party.
4. One of my coworkers told me a story this morning that made me laugh SO loud and made me like her more than I already did, which was plenty.
5. These comments are really touching.
I’m going to be honest here, I thought your Bamboo Woodcut said “You SucK”. That says a lot more about me than anything else. My God!
My five things for today are:
1. I am grateful for your candid vulnerability in sharing your grief with all of us. I’ve read each and every post and you have certainly positively inspired everyone and helped us all to get grounded in the things that are truly important. In other words, we have all slowed down, are back into the present moment and are taking stock of ourselves and our lives. Thank you.
2. I am grateful for my amazing husband who is (as corny as it sounds) my best friend. I could not ask for a better person to spend my life with.
3. I am grateful that my adult children are healthy and relatively happy, pursuing goals and dreams.
4. I am grateful for where I live (West Coast). Every day is a beautiful day, even when it is raining (like yesterday) and windy (like the day before that). Today the skies are blue, the windows are letting in a slightly cool breeze and all is calm and good.
5. Every day I am grateful for my life, for my health, for all of the little things that I have to force myself to think about so that I don’t take them for granted.
Peace. Joy. Love. And a happy weekend to all.
Here are my five nice things:
1) Waking up next to my boyfriend.
2) Morning coffee.
3) The beautiful plants in my office; they remind me of my nurturing side.
4) Thinking of how proud I will be when I finally finish writing my thesis.
5) My research in palliative care, which is incredibly challenging but also gives me a great sense of purpose and helps me appreciate simple things in life.
@comagirl, I thought the EXACT same thing about the woodcut…right down to the fact that it says more about me than anything ; )
@Katie, what’s this about a new Wei of Chocolate flavor??? I’m all over it.
As I sit here depressed because my husband of 9 years and I decided to separate this morning, I see your post and think that I don’t really have the problems I thought I had. I can’t imagine the loss you’re feeling and am so impressed that you’re able to write a post at this delicate time. It’s inspiring. Seriously.
1. I’m thankful for my friends who are calling and checking up on me to see how I’m feeling.
2. I started yoga again the other day and I’m sticking with it (even tho it’s kicking my a$$).
3. I am excited to meet someone new who I may be able to start a family with as I ADORE kids.
4. I’m happy to be healthy.
5. I have a new creative venture that might become very big.
Thanks to everyone, too for their posts. It just goes to show that we all have stuff going on and we’re all kinda the same.
Sending love and hugs to you Siobhan! I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and so I am endlessly inspired and impressed by your ability to want to find love and joy in the little things.
My five…
1. My sister is coming to visit tomorrow
2. Morning coffee
3. My loveable, yet temperamental, kitten.
4. Brunch with a best friend coming up on Sunday
5. The opportunity to start anew
5 different kinds of amazing toast (to have with espresso/cafe au lait):
1-rye bread with marmalade
2-russian bread with a bit of butter and blue cheese
3-russian bread with butter and buckwheat honey
4-baguette with butter and homemade strawberry jam
5-fougasse aux olives with soppy brie
How inspiring! It’s a good reminder that we can all find something of good fortune in our day, even though there might be many not-so–good things going on at the same time.
1) I am surrounded by smart, compassionate, empathetic people at home and at work.
2) There is a baby sparrow exploring my rain garden.
3) I had a wonderful Cuban lunch of pulled pork, veggies and black bean soup today.
4) It’s time to start a new book.
5) I get to pick my brother up from the bus station next week and our favorite brewery is directly across the street.
My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry for your loss. It is a beautiful thing to look for the positives.
1) I am thankful for my new job, at a spiritual center, which is way more uplifting/fulfilling than my last job.
2) I finally have the time/energy/motivation to start my business this summer!
3) Today my fiancee got me my favorite Disney movie “The Lady and the Tramp” on DVD as a get-better-soon gift and we are going to watch it soon!
4) It is beautiful outside.
5) I am grateful for my fiancee, he is my best friend and I can’t imagine life without him.
xoxoxo
Siobhan – I am so, so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for continuing to bring the positive to the forefront and inspiring so many of us. I love this technique you’ve posted and will be using it as often as possible. You really *are* what your *thoughts* are, and it’s often just a shift of focus that changes the mood.
Siobhan-the thoughts expressed have said it all and said it so well, but I do want to add by voice to the chorus. I am so sorry for your loss.
Your choice of post today brings honor and grace to your brother’s memory.
My 5 things:
1) My wonderful husband of almost 28 years.
2) My daughter who works hard at her life every day, and will be married in September!
3) My son who didn’t do things our way (ever), but is now very happily close to us.
4) Taking care of my best friend’s 7-year-old son. Knowing he is safe makes it easier for her to work every day.
5) Volunteering in his first grade classroom. Watching the kids learn and grow. So. Fun.
@ Siobhan, sending you love
1. how blessed to wake up every morning in our right mind.That alone make all the difference for everything else.
2. to see nature in all its gloty day after day
3. sunrises and sunsets
4. friends that even when not close, make all the difference
5. and to second a comment above… doing small and little nice things every chance you get, you receive a payback tenfold
Siobhan – sorry to hear of your loss and thank you for sharing this with us at what must be a really hard time for you. I lost my dad nearly 7 years ago and it has taken me a long time to adjust to life without him. The feeling of ‘he’d want you to be happy’ is kind of a difficult one, and it’s really only recently that I’ve realised fully that being happy is a better tribute to him to being sad. He was someone who loved life and I want to own that too.
1. Learning this 5 things trick is really nice and sure to help me out on bad days :)
2. It’s raining in London which is great for my veg patch and all our empty reservoirs.
3. It’s the weekend and I’m seeing great friends tonight.
4. I have a wonderful husband who I adore.
5. God loves us and he won’t stop.
Oh, yah. I dig this.
1. I made brussels sprouts tonight.
2. My boyfriend let me have “me time” and workout alone today…and when I got home, he’d assembled our new laundry hamper.
3. I live in New York.
4. My body is strong enough to support climbs up many, many flights of stairs, without getting hurt.
5. Our cats like to cuddle with us while we’re asleep.
Thank you very much for this.
1. There are blooming lilacs in view from my office window.
2. I am so grateful for the inspiration I can find from people I’ve never met as well as people I see every day.
3. While our extended family has experienced loss a number of times, right now everyone is healthy and there are lots of new babies & toddlers to keep us excited.
4. Our three teens (again, right now) are happy.
5. After 19 and three-quarters years, my husband and I are still so very glad we met.
Thank you Rebecca, my kindred spirit. Hehehe.
1. I have two cats and one fiancee with whom I get to spend each day with.
2. My fiancee (Ian) gives me hope and courage to face challenges.
3. I am getting to see my Mama more often now than I could two years ago.
4. Today is the week before finals and two weeks before my Summer break officially starts.
5. I am getting to read such lovely and uplifting comments from people I have never met and may never will, and they are making my day lovelier and lovelier.
First, I’m so very sorry, Siobhan. I cannot image losing my sibling. Second, I really love this concept. It made me smile to read about this \game\.
1). It’s a gorgeous sunny + breezy day today! Just perfect.
2). I love that my man woke me up early and asked me to go to breakfast with him before work.
3). The sound of my dogs snoring makes me smile.
4). My mom is an incredibly strong woman who I admire.
5). I’m so grateful for my big family and can’t wait to reconnect with them all next month at our family reunion.