I Completely Can’t Decide If I Should Dye My Hair Again
Oh man. Here we go again.
I’ve been going back and forth for months now about whether or not I want to ever color my hair again—or at least if I want to color it again in the foreseeable future, and it basically changes week to week. It’s been 10 months. Sometimes I think it looks better than ever. Other times I think it looks blah.
And it should go without saying that when Alexandra colored hers recently, I had pangs of envy. It looks so pretty!
More recently, I’ve taken to neurotically crowdsourcing my friends about it: “Am I even blonde anymore? Like, objectively speaking. If you saw me on the street and you didn’t know me, would you be like, There goes a blonde girl? Or would you be like, There goes a brunette? Or maybe a dirty blonde, would you say?” Like a crazy person. And in the event I have to describe myself physically, like if I’m meeting someone in public for the first time—for a work thing, thank you very much—I’ve preemptively sent the “I have dark-blonde hair and I will probably be wearing black” email, whereas I used to say simply, “I’m blonde.”
This is a whole lot of navel gazing, I realize, but there is weird stuff wrapped up in hair color—not to mention we live in a world where people love to play the “Which one are you” game, which usually comes down to looks. Are you Betty or Veronica? Serena or Blair? Carrie or Miranda? (Or…Samantha?) Silly as it all is, there’s IDENTITY stuff (and stereotypes) that go with every hair color—even for a girl who has never felt particularly, well, blonde.
I’ve felt freed, though, is the truth. Shampoo, conditioner, the occasional trim, and that’s about as high maintenance as this mane gets. I feel good about it, in a weirdly deep way. It feels good that this is how it comes out of my head. That I’m not wasting money and upping my chemical exposure. That I’m saving bucks. And yet.
As if to torture me, an email just popped up in my inbox, from my beloved colorist, who righted my hair when it went horribly wrong that time I tried to get “nontoxic” highlights (see the hair chapter in the book, if you have it). This email was from the guy who fixed me. Who attended our book launch party. Who I have a total and complete friend-crush on:
“How are you? Hope you are healthy and safe after this crazy August.. I have moved into a great gallery/salon space! I know you’ve really weened down the hair color… however, when you’re ready to make an appointment, or if you’re in the area, stop in for some champagne! I would love to show you around the space and catch up!!”
Oh man. Seth. Highlights. A beautiful art gallery-salon. Champagne.
What do I dooooooooo?
You know how when you’re shopping you tell yourself: I’ll sleep on it, and if I’m still thinking about it tomorrow then maybe I’ll get it? I try to apply that to most things in life: the personal, the professional and the completely inane.
So that’s what I’ll do with this. I’ll sleep on it. Again.
Anyone else been there?
Image via
Here’s my hair coloring philosophy: I color my hair once every 12 weeks. Everything else in my life is clean- clean products (and a minimal amount to boot), clean food, good exercise, and a general life philosophy of taking care of myself is one of the smartest and most important things I can do for myself and everyone else. I’m not saintly by any stretch of the imagination (I have an unhealthy obsession with candy and sweets. I woke up and had chocolate for breakfast. Last night, in bed, I ate chocolate and some fruity candy.) Balance is the key to everything and with hair color, while it’s toxic, it makes me feel good and contributes to a generally happy outlook. The best thing about your book, for me, was that it was more information. It allowed me to make truly informed decisions about what I do and do not expose myself to. With that in mind, I keep most of my routine scrupulously clean and indulge in a few, well chosen toxic loves.
For you, it sounds like it’s not just about the color; it’s about the experience. It makes you feel pampered and special and sends a message that you love yourself. You get to spend time with someone amazing. Given all the pluses, the fact that the rest of your routine is clean, and the fact that you will do it in a way that minimizes the risks and maximizes the benefits- I say do it. The worst that will happen is you will realize that it’s really not what you wanted and you’ll never do it again. Whatever the outcome, you’ll learn something about yourself that will help you in other areas of your life. End preaching.
Hope you figure it out! Whatever you do, have fun!
Lady, I hear you. I have practically no hair, so dyeing would be pointless, but I HAVE felt the siren song of BP and salicylic acids lately…. my acne is frustrating. Even if I know those things might not help and could make my problems worse in the long run, I sometimes feel desperate and want to do ANYTHING, ANYTHING, ANYTHING that might make me Pretty Enough.
Would only blondness satisfy your cravings, or would some other big change be enough: a fun new haircut? A new coat for fall?
If only hair dye will scratch that itch, then I say go for it and never look back. Save the guilt for a more serious issue.
Totally there. I am a self diagnosed hair schizophrenic. Not just color, but cut too. I have been everywhere from platinum blonde to black and back again. Pixie short to long again. My hair color is naturally dirty blonde. It was black when I decided to go “clean” and I had it painstakingly corrected over the course of 3 more hair appointments getting it a close as possible to my natural color. Now, 1/2 of my hair has never been color treated, the other half was once black (poor ends). I should just chop it pixie short and have a fresh start, but I am SERIOUSLY contemplating dying it auburn red for fall. Someone stop me. Stop me now. Honestly, it isn’t about the chemicals for me (sad but true) so much as the MAINTENANCE/money/how long it took me to get here, for the love of donuts why would I start this process over.
I say, stay strong. Don’t do it. Appease you hair schizophrenia by learning a new up-do.
Me! This is SO ME. I was platinum as a kid, but the second I started working full time my hair got a lot darker…to the point that my mom said, “Where did my blondie go?” every single time she saw me. I don’t really identify with the typical “blonde,” either — but I seriously have an identity crisis when I have to describe my hair. It’s…dark blonde? Blonde-ish? Dirty blonde? Brownish-blonde? Ugh.
I must say… I had the same feelings… I have thought to myself “I will never fry my hair again… I will never hurt my body with that horrible ick again…I will never have to watch my hair grow out and feel terrible about the roots again…” But then, my friend talked me into coloring my hair, again! Something about relationship changes makes me want to platinum my *already pretty blonde but going more strawberry every day I swear* hair. (note: I do not have an amazing art-gallery salon with an awesome man & champagne waiting for me, but a non-clean-beauty-regiment friend with a kitchen and a dream of being a cosmetologist… LOL) And so, I broke up with my boyfriend, and I dyed my hair. Funny thing about it… it didn’t stick very well because my hair was basking in its’ own oils so well that it rejected the dye in parts! (I do not no ‘poo, but I use natural shampoo & only wash approx. 3x’s a wk) The roots kind of kept their awesome reddish blonde color, just lightened… but the ends took to the super-blonde. UGH. At first it was okay… pretty cool. But now, 10 months later… my ends are sad and fried and weird and it is impossible for me to go no ‘poo until I cut them all off … I regret it so much. (you can see the grow-out in my Summer Challenge picture) I regret going against my moral standing & will power, I regret letting someone push me into it, I regret thinking that changing my hair color could make me “happier” (not that the first time I went platinum I didn’t LoVE it and don’t @ times miss the fun wild look) The point is… I made a decision based on my old self, what other people thought, & a dream to be “someone else” without thinking about how it would affect my hair and person in the long run. I have to say when I read:
“I’ve felt freed, though, is the truth. Shampoo, conditioner, the occasional trim, and that’s about as high maintenance as this mane gets. I feel good about it, in a weirdly deep way. It feels good that this is how it comes out of my head. That I’m not wasting money and upping my chemical exposure. That I’m saving bucks. And yet.”
All I could think was… Ohhh Siobhan, dooonnnnn’t dooooo itttt!!!
But, that’s my humble opinion! Of course, only you know if it’s worth it to you, or if you could just go in to see him & chat w/out coloring your ‘fro, or if you want to deal w/ the maintenance, etc etc etc. Have you considered lemon juice or hydrogen peroxide, or other alternatives besides the botched potion? You have THICK blonde hair which I am vie for, believe me! In your Summer Challenge picture your hair looks awesome! I think it looks great and you are definitely still a blonde.
As for this ridiculously long drawn-out chatter; it’s just so near and dear to my heart. I’ve never felt like the stereotypical goofy ditzy blonde, but I do know that it has shaped who I am and how people view me, my entire life. I am “the blonde girl” the REAL blonde girl, and we are a dying breed, I think! My mum has the same hair color as me: born light-red blonde >> platinum blonde >> dirty blonde >> red-dirty-blonde and now she is barely blonde, more of an ashy light brunette *and she has been battling this for years, with poor dye jobs & sad hair :S* I hope that I can become at peace with my ever changing hair color & stop the cycle, myself.
Good luck!
Have you thought of trying Cassia? Apparently it can brighten blonde hair, and goes on like henna.
I would encourage you to stay non-tox on the hair, but go enjoy a salon experience with something not toxic, like a new cut or a deep condition with a clean product. Maybe your colorist would even consider doing the Cassia for you.
DO IT.
You’ve gone ten months (impressive!).
Your colorist is a doll. He’s your friend, you trust him, and he knows how to enhance your lovely locks. He even fixed you!
Need mentioning it’s (almost) September? What a way to rush into fall; with beautiful subtle BLONDE highlights. and oh how fabulous blonde on black looks.
You’re humble. It will not have been done in vain. Okay, maybe vanity is at play here, but oh is it earned.
And lastly, I’m of the opinion that one really needs to take it all in stride. You girls do a good job, you’ve really opened a lot of people’s eyes and dare I write, help spearhead a movement. There is something very touching and real (and human!) about your dilemma, as it’s one many of us face. What I’m saying is, checks and balances, babe. And you’re about to cash one fabulous BLONDE check (or write one, anyway).
Thanks, as always, for the enlightening & entertaining post. :))
I am there with you… but my prob is that I am a brunette (I AM a brunette, dammit!) and my hair is turning gray. Someday it will be a lovely silver (I’m 35), but until then I’ve got salt-and-pepper blues. As in sadness, not the color. ;) So I continue to dye it my former natural color. I hate dyeing—I sometimes choke on the fumes, and they burn my eyes—but for now, it seems to be what’s working for me and making me feel like ME.
Am I allowed to also add how horrific it is trying to comment using my iPhone? Ladies, do we see a Dirty Looks app in the future? ;) I kid, mostly apologizing for the atrocious punctuation, etc.
It all depends on how it makes you feel. I am way too gray with dark brown hair to go without the color. Turning 50 and having to give up the dye is not how I want to end this year. I love the way I feel after I get my hair done. I love my salon too. I am clean on everything else so this is my one out.
You just have to decide if you will wake up wishing you hadn’t or be happy that you did. I also love the pamper part. What ever you decide don’t look back. That is the beauty of life. No regrets.
Brunettes, you don’t have to dye to cover gray. I switched to henna/indigo last spring and I LOVE IT. I agonized, for sure, because my hair is a major part of my identity. But I am so glad I switched. You can get the right color by asking for advice and experimenting a bit. If you want to make the switch try http://www.mehandi.com/shop/graybundles/index.html. Explore the website for lots of advice and recipes, and call them for some one-on-one help. And then look non-tox fabulous.
I have the same natural color probably as you. And I felt blah. So I went back to blonde. Not saying I will never go back to that or a brown, but for now, blonde is fun. Definitely think about it!
@Sarah
So much of what you’ve written sounds like me. I’ve changed my hair to virtually every color and length. I HATE my natural dishwater blonde. I look great in auburn.
I henna my hair, using straight-up henna powder. It’s gorgeous. And healthy. I’m never gonna stop. I used to think henna was “granola”, but there’s nothing hippie about my awesome hair. If you need more info go to hennaforhair.com.
Literally went through the same crisis for the past 6 months!!
Long story short – I FINALLY made a decision and ended up revamping my red highlights yesterday, and I absolutely love it. I little part of me cringed as I breathed in the residual chemical dye smell all day… but every time I looked in the mirror I smiled and felt excited. The new hair color put a little spring in my step and made me feel fresh and great.
If you get something subtle and low maintenance you won’t have to get it colored as often, maybe that’s a happy medium sort of solution?
Plus the gorgeous salon, fabulous company, champagne do sound really fun…
I’m still there, but I’ve grown to really Love my dark brown haircolor (even though those honey AND red highlights I got years ago, always make me re-think it).
I think you’re in the middle point, to dye or not to dye, and trust me, if you decide not to, you won’t be thinking about this for long, and you will ocassionally think about it again, but not like right now.
It’s just a phase. I’ll be over soon.
I say don’t dye it… But the decision is yours >_<
What about using an ammonia free lightener in foils? That way it doesn’t even touch your scalp, and if processed long enough with the correct developer, and should brighten and break up your regrowth!
Hi Siobahn,
Thank you so much for writing about this dilemma. I myself have a clean beauty blog as well and I won’t ever put some thing on my skin which isn’t ‘clean’… until it comes to my hair. SLS fee shampoo I love, hair oil I love, IN leave-in conditioner (thanks to your book) I love. But I also happened to love my blond highlights very much. It is not even so much about the color of the actual hair, but the color it gives to my face. this palish, rosy glowy one (if you know what i mean) for me it is also 6 month ago that i’ve gotten the highlights and somehow i always “there is another very clean great lady (you) out there who does exactly the same one dirty thing” this i found an excuse for my double standard. Well is it really? Of course not, but as many above in this discussion have said ‘it make me happy and confident’ . I am still not done deciding and i try to postpone it as long as possible. So no help from me sorry! But I loved the idea of pampering yourself by that very same hairdresser/friend with s th else!
oh and maybe it helps to google pics of hollywood stars who have gone ‘ash’ (as we call it in german) to get some inspiration (also on which color of clothes fit that hair color).
Good luck deciding!
Best wishes from Europe! Liv
I agree with the first poster (Sarah). Coloring your hair every 3 months, when balanced with otherwise clean products, seems totally fine in my opinion.
I was born with the shade of light blonde most women dyed for (awful pun, I know). I was told throughout my childhood and teenage years never to touch my natural color. But once I started going to college in the city, I saw my friends having a lot more fun with their hair than I was. I felt trapped in a sense – I was afraid to touch my hair with dye, as I’d been told that it was some sort of precious commodity. Dealing with severe acne and weight issues for years, my hair was the one constant that would guarantee a certain level of attractiveness, no matter what I looked like elsewhere.
One day, I picked up a box of dye from the drugstore. It wasn’t a drastic change by any means; I merely went for a golden-neutral shade to warm my darkening ash blonde. But it felt freeing, and it was downright fun. I branched out to add a couple bleached strips in my already light hair to break up to color. I think the key is not to feel enslaved to your hair color routine. Like any cut or style, it should fit into your life and personality. I remember the anecdote from the book about Siobhan’s non-toxic highlights that turned out to be atrocious. What I got from that was the insights from the “recovery” session – choosing fewer highlights that would fade into her hair, therefore requiring fewer salon trips. For the most part, I don’t think any one action or indulgence will necessarily damn us. Instead, it’s a sum of all actions we take.
Here’s how I look at it…you’ve been wanting this for awhile now, it seems & you’ve thought about it (maybe a little TOO hard). So go for it! It would make you feel more polished maybe and add a little kick to your step. But, on the other hand it would expose you to more chemicals which is exactly what you have been working so hard to stop. I think that you need to step back for a moment & look at what you want out of this. The hair color that you want or the hair color that you were blessed with. Is your hard work really worth a platinum blonde do’?
Even before going clean I have been sooooo lazy about this. I, too, have “it used to be blonde” hair and while people would still describe me as blonde, I would say dirty / dark / mousey blonde, probably because I know it’s just not what it used to be. I don’t commit to the upkeep of colouring, I struggle to get my hair cut often enough (it’ just something I put off until it’s shameful) and I also begrudge the cost of the 8-weekly colouor maintenance routine. That said, I do feel a good set of highlights really boosts my mood and confidence, especially coming into autumn / winter when I feel drab and pasty. Hmm… you have me thinking about it again. Any chance you would share a recommendation for a safe colourist in Manhattan? (Your acupuncture recommendation was fantastic – it really is changing my life!)
Wow, this post came at the perfect time because I have been dying to redy my hair. I used to dye it a blue black all the time and then I discoverd your wonderful book and stopped cold turkey. Since then the black has grown out and now its back to brown, a bit mousy, I have been really thinking about it. I keep reading about the henna/indigo mix so I might just try that and see how I like it just to feed the urge and hopefully quell it. It’s totally up to you to do it, I really don’t see a problem since you don’t do it often. Do what makes you happy :)
My roommate moved in last November when I started going clean and of course her job is dying hair at a fancy salon in NYC. I really want her to do my hair right now but i keep going back and forth. I have this weird red tint on the bottom of my naturally dark brown hair leftover from henna. I love my hair black but know it is the worst dye color with the chemicals. I can totally relate to this post!
From your post it seemed like the hair question is more about identity than really about clean products, and that’s what I found myself too. I’m a “dirty blonde” too – but I don’t cal it that, because the color actually looks like dark honey. For a really long time I thought I sort of ought to highlight my hair. Remaining the blonde girl that everyone (including myself) knew was a huge part of that to be honest. It just looked prettier because everyone loves a blonde head of hair, right? And I was tall and blonde, right?
Then I changed my mind (in part thanks to my husband’s innocent but persistent and annoyingly clearheaded questions) and now I really love my hair color. It has depth and reflections and it’s healthy as shit and it’s an unusual color that’s all mine. I might dye it bright red in two years, who knows, but I’m really happy with it as it is.
I can’t really explain it but FOR ME it has to do with not thinking that there’s constantly something lacking with my looks. I can’t say anything about anybody else’s state of mind but I know that make up never gives me as much joy when I put it on with the mindset of “oh, juuuuuust gotta fix this flaw, and oufh, nobody should really see me without this”. When I put it on and feel like I look actually pretty damn good already, it’s a celebration and it gives me so much more joy.
And I feel like this should be all about joy and not about playing constant catch-up with how we think we ought to look. Because that’s just not FUN.
So, uh, do what gives you the most joy I’d say.
I totally hear you on this dilemma! I bought a box of Color Couture hair color a few months ago to cover my grays, but I have been putting it off because I don’t think it’s good for me. But…I have grays. So I go back and forth, but have held off so far. It’s interesting to read through the comments, which sound so conflicted to me. Telling you to pamper yourself….when pampering yourself includes dousing your head with toxic chemicals??!! Or rationalizing that coloring your hair every now and then isn’t bad for you….when we know it is. I have the same conflict in my head, so I’m not judging, but more wondering philosophically how we got to this point, with society and fashion mags telling us what our worth is, and how the most important thing in life is red lipstick or perfectly colored hair, even if it’s bad for us. As for me, I am holding off on coloring for another day. Keep us posted on what you do!
We’ve all been there.I’m sure a lot of us can relate to your hair woes … Lucky you it is just *blah* hair you are battling …Many of us have grays (lots of grays)to add to the mix..Thankfully there is henna for us brunettes and cassia for the blondies. Hope you stay true to your clean self and happy with your locks!
I am afraid I am too grey not to continue coloring, at least for now. I’ve considered going grey, but have been told that I look too young to do that and that going grey will age me considerably and immediately. I have an aunt, who I resemble, who let go of the color and her hair looked terrific. I don’t think it aged her. It just looked silver, shiny and healthy. However, I also have friends who went grey and they look awful. So, what’s a girl to do?
I’m tired of all of the care I have to put into my hair to avoid having it look and feel over-processed. I may give it 2-3 more years, but them I am done. I have dark brown hair, almost black, so the transition would be startling, but I’m more than ready. I just need some positive reinforcement, instead of the usual, “oh please don’t stop coloring your hair”. Also, keep in mind that your hair gets weaker as you get older and those greys have a mind of their own.
With all of that being said, blond hair is different than brown/black (as well as red). Blond hair can look mousy without some enhancement. It can also look brassy and artificial when the color is not done right or it starts fading. (In my opinion porn star chic is not chic at all, but rather cheap looking.) Based on your picture above, I think your hair looks great the color that it is . It is very becoming and it looks natural and healthy. If you can stay natural you avoid a lot of the extra care we color-ers need to do and you forego the worrying of what the chemicals are doing you. If you ever doubt you are a blond, put your head next to mine, or Alexandra’s for that matter. When I saw your photo, I noticed you, all of you, and not just your hair. That is a sign of balance and that is attractive. Good luck with whatever you decide.
I second (third?) the motion to try out cassia. http://www.hennaforhair.com/mixes/ was one of the best resources I found while learning to henna my hair. It used to be purple – very toxic! – and a couple of natural additives (red wine vinegar) still lend the red a deeper, unnatural purplish hue. A good compromise. Much cleaner, healthier hair. Bonus – cassia and henna can be used to treat lice, dandruff, eczema, etc, of the scalp.
They offer a free downloadable book with step by step instructions, including instructions for mixing up the herb of your choice and taking it to the salon for professional application. You can have your cake and eat it too if your stylist is willing.
You girls have given just about everything else natural a try; might it be time to meet a new challenge? DO EET! <3
anyone know anything about the keratin treatments? I am obsessed with only using very clean products but am thinking of making an exception for this treatment. I have really curly hair and would love for it to be a little looser curls and no frizz. i have researched the ones that claim to be formaldehyde and aldehyde free such as Keragreen and would go to a salon that is all organic. What do you think? Talk me out of it go for it….
I say that if you don’t have to do it (to cover grays), then maybe you find something else to pamper yourself with.
I’m all for covering grays though, and when the time comes that I just can’t get by with plucking anymore, I’m going the hairdye route. THOUGH I would first try out the natural dye that Nature of Beauty carries. If you click on over to their site, you can read a review and see photos of Terry’s before and afters.
Henna freaks me out–but the NOB stuff I would consider trying.
I’ve certainly been there too. And by the way, for what it’s worth; your hair color is blonde (at least to me). I’m blonde myself, but darker (more golden wheat sort of). Anyway, I think I’m trying to say something like this… there are many nuances in blonde and a great deal of blonde variations; I like yours. Don’t mess with a good thing. Also, I tend to think people are prettiest with the colors they were given at birth (that then evolve as we grow). I used to color my hair a lot when I was younger, I’ve also bleached it for many years. I then stopped and now it’s been at least eight years. I’m liking my natural hair color much better than any color I’ve ever had before. I mean this is me, this is MY color, no one has the exact same color. Plus my hair is so much healthier and it shines. Your hair looks gorgeous… I say don’t it :-)
And to Rebekah yearning for BP and Salicylic Acid… try Rhassoul clay (Montmorillonite), rosewater and Argan oil. My skin has improved immensely with just Rhassoul clay. I wash my face with it daily (hair and body as well).
Thanks for the acne advice, MacKey!
I would LOVE to stop coloring my hair! I have even had colorists research for me about dying your hair gray, which you can not do. Something about gray hair being the absence of color. I would think you could mix platinum and black and voila! Apparently not… My problem is that I don’t have enough gray to just grow it out and some parts have a lot of gray and some have none. It is quite the dilemma. My stylist assures me that the stuff she uses is quite clean, but I know our definitions of clean are very far apart. I will check out the sites that other readers mentioned, but have no idea how I would go about matching my color. Even if I found something that was 100% clean, the problem of always having to dye it would not be solved. Maybe I should just stop and accept ugly! I have thought of that too. I think that the monthly maintenance bothers me as much as the chemicals, though I only use clean products and have been organic for years, except for my hair. Oh well, such is life. I wish you well with your decision.
Since this is your chosen area of expertise, I think you should do your readers a service and find a mostly nontoxic way of getting blonde highlights. (eg bleach in foils, don’t touch the scalp, wear a mask). Dark brown and black dyes are the truly serious carcinogens, and henna has been found to be a great substitute. So perhaps you can find a way to do blonde. Work with a chemist, go over product labels with Samuel Epstein, etc. Journalism.