Meet “The Peach Smoothie,” a Facial for Your Nethers
K, so we know that people do all kinds of kind of insane things in the name of beauty, right? Like, we flatiron formaldehyde onto our hair, or wax away our whole shebang, or we have someone spray-gun brown dye onto our naked bodies by a person in a gas mask. We get it, we’ve done some of it, and we understand and do not judge the impulse. It usually starts with “Oooh I didn’t know such a think existed!” and then it’s “OMG you did it? Should I?” Followed by “I deserve this! I’m gonna treat myself!” And the next thing you know you’re butt naked in front of a stranger, and you’re paying a pretty penny for it.
Also, after I heard about the utterly inhumane and revolting pedicure process where fish are forced to eat dead skin off your feet to make them soft, I thought I’d been seriously inured to any further “They do what?” shock. And yet! Today, as I was poking around our Gmail account, I came upon a note from Nicole, a reader, with a link.
Nicole tipped us off to an article in Bazaar about something that there is no delicate way to describe. It’s about a vagina facial. Serious!
Like a steam-exfoliation-extraction facial. On “your private parts. At a spa for 50 bucks.
Some highlights from Alex Kuczynski’s piece:
—”Do you normally use an exfoliant?” she asked my vulva as she performed a mild cleansing under the bright aesthetician’s light.
—After cleansing, Marta applied a triple-action organic scrub, then cleansed again.
—”Look at all these ingrown hairs!” Marta said with a giddy clap of her hands. She got to work plucking and picking and springing free the tiny curled buds, then tweezing them away. She applied a dab of Prince Reigns, a serum that prevents ingrown hairs and razor bumps and also helps with discoloration and hyperpigmentation.
—As an add-on, Haven also offers the Baby’s Bottom, which cleanses, exfoliates, and uses an acid peel to rid your buttocks of acne, scars, and bumps. I’m not going there. [Ed's note, again: Good choice!]
I wish I could write something really smart about this, and build a strong argument about how this is symptomatic of the (literally) douchey advice thrust on women for a way too long about how unclean their genitals are. Because it is that, obviously. And Kuczynski does a nice job weighing some of this stuff in the piece, which you should read. But sex politics aside, hello! Women’s bodies are very delicate little ecosystems, and introducing perfumey, chemically anything down there is always a bad idea. Always. Full stop.
I’ll end with this: Yes, ingrown hairs are a bitch, but you don’t need to spend $50 at a spa to get rid of them. Consider this one more thing you can spend money on but shouldn’t. Because our bodies are miraculous things, and the less we tamper with the natural order of things, the less things go wrong. Trust.
Image via
It never ceases to amaze. What’s next armpit facials? Frightening.
Great article by Alex, love the quote from Janet Jakobsen. Thanks for posting!
You’ve shocked and repulsed me for the day. Ew! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Pity that people will do this let alone pay for something like this. Wow! Just wow! I think it is safe to say I would not have this done. Hehehe. Thanks for sharing this though. Its one of those things that will stay in my mind for days.
Wow. Just Wow. I’m kind of dumbfounded.
I just read that issue of Harper’s Bazaar at my local Barnes and Noble and I was stunned. I can’t even go to my gynecologist without feeling embarrassed and awkward. How on earth can women be this comfortable to get this done? In front of a total stranger no less!
But I mean, on the other hand, it does go without saying that after getting hair removed, like on the legs or face, there will be ingrown hairs. So for that reason I guess it makes sense to exfoliate after a full on forest removal. But then again, why even remove it to begin with? If a man will only, um, “cuddle” with a woman because she likes having her “teddy bear” around, then screw him! Especially since most men would never get anything done like that for a woman in return! Geez! It’s not rocket science to figure this one out! Men who want women to get full on wax = stupid, Women who actually do it = super stupid to the saddest degree of stupid.
* I mean if a man will only do it if a woman does not have her teddy bear around. Sorry I was really distracted by the gross factor in all this.
You ask who would do this, you ask? I want to know you would perform this on his/her clients? She/he ought to be on the show Dirty Jobs. It would be hilarious.
I’ve been reading your wonderful blog for a while now and this post made me question something. What is the best thing to wash your lady parts with? Just water? There are all these products that claim that you have to use them and it’s confusing me..
Soap and water! Just make sure the soap is natural, nonirritating, and nontoxic. We like castile soap, diluted from Whole Foods, or Bronners bar soap or something similar.
My private parts don’t need to be fixed, thankyouvermuch. Man, ANOTHER thing to TRY and make women feel uncomfortable about. Sigh.
I just happened upon this article from November, but after reading Laura’s comment I had to respond. Laura, your comment was completely uninformed, self-righteous, and offensive. I consider myself to be an intelligent, independent woman with feminist sensibilities- and I shave everything. I find it to be more aesthetically pleasing, sexier even, and much more pleasurable during sex. I do this for myself, and my boyfriend enjoys it as well, and I find it quite presumptuous of you that you would consider him stupid, and myself “super stupid to the saddest degree of stupid” simply because of that fact. I mean come on, grow up. Just because not everyone wants to deal with pubic hair (which I find to be uncomfortable and kind of gross, and I have not had any for 3 years) does not automatically make them sad and stupid.
The fact that you said you feel “embarrassed and awkward” at the gynecologist is very telling, as are your cutesy euphemisms like “cuddle” and “teddy bear.”
honestly i dont see anything wrong with this. in fact im even insulted by some of Laura’s comments. i shave myself there because I like it that way. i physically do not feel comfortable with pubic hair. its itchy and curly and gross and i just cant stand looking at it. i personally think pubic hair is disgusting. i like it when it is smooth just like i like it when my legs are smooth. i dont give a shit what any man thinks of it. i do it for me, not him. and yes, i get razor bumps sometimes but its pretty rare for me and i can totally see why someone would get a peach smoothie. by the way, i graduated at the top of my class in a college that is considered the best in the nation. dont call a woman you dont even know stupid just because she prefers a different hairstyle than you. you are ignorant for judging.
that doesnt mean you need to insult people for it! different strokes for different folks. i do not have a problem with you having a bush. if you like it, keep it. its none of my business. also fyi: men are starting to manscape. yes! straight men, manscaping. they are starting to shave their pubes too and good for them if that is what they want to do.
perhaps you cant even go to your gynocologist with out feeling uncomfortable because you are not comfortable with your body (or your vagina) news flash! your gyno sees a ton of vaginas everyday. they dont care what it looks like as long as it looks healthy and clean. they are not there to judge. so maybe you should have a better relationship with your vagina and quite being so embarrassed. all women have one. they are all different in shape, size, color and yes, even hairstyle. love your vagina and dont hate on others