Meet “The Peach Smoothie,” a Facial for Your Nethers
K, so we know that people do all kinds of kind of insane things in the name of beauty, right? Like, we flatiron formaldehyde onto our hair, or wax away our whole shebang, or we have someone spray-gun brown dye onto our naked bodies by a person in a gas mask. We get it, we’ve done some of it, and we understand and do not judge the impulse. It usually starts with “Oooh I didn’t know such a think existed!” and then it’s “OMG you did it? Should I?” Followed by “I deserve this! I’m gonna treat myself!” And the next thing you know you’re butt naked in front of a stranger, and you’re paying a pretty penny for it.
Also, after I heard about the utterly inhumane and revolting pedicure process where fish are forced to eat dead skin off your feet to make them soft, I thought I’d been seriously inured to any further “They do what?” shock. And yet! Today, as I was poking around our Gmail account, I came upon a note from Nicole, a reader, with a link.
Nicole tipped us off to an article in Bazaar about something that there is no delicate way to describe. It’s about a vagina facial. Serious!
Like a steam-exfoliation-extraction facial. On “your private parts. At a spa for 50 bucks.
Some highlights from Alex Kuczynski’s piece:
—”Do you normally use an exfoliant?” she asked my vulva as she performed a mild cleansing under the bright aesthetician’s light.
—After cleansing, Marta applied a triple-action organic scrub, then cleansed again.
—”Look at all these ingrown hairs!” Marta said with a giddy clap of her hands. She got to work plucking and picking and springing free the tiny curled buds, then tweezing them away. She applied a dab of Prince Reigns, a serum that prevents ingrown hairs and razor bumps and also helps with discoloration and hyperpigmentation.
—As an add-on, Haven also offers the Baby’s Bottom, which cleanses, exfoliates, and uses an acid peel to rid your buttocks of acne, scars, and bumps. I’m not going there. [Ed's note, again: Good choice!]
I wish I could write something really smart about this, and build a strong argument about how this is symptomatic of the (literally) douchey advice thrust on women for a way too long about how unclean their genitals are. Because it is that, obviously. And Kuczynski does a nice job weighing some of this stuff in the piece, which you should read. But sex politics aside, hello! Women’s bodies are very delicate little ecosystems, and introducing perfumey, chemically anything down there is always a bad idea. Always. Full stop.
I’ll end with this: Yes, ingrown hairs are a bitch, but you don’t need to spend $50 at a spa to get rid of them. Consider this one more thing you can spend money on but shouldn’t. Because our bodies are miraculous things, and the less we tamper with the natural order of things, the less things go wrong. Trust.